In conflict between what I really want and what I feel society wants from me
I decided to write and talk about the conflict within what we truly desire and what we feel like is expected of us, because many of us struggle with this. A huge part of the self-discovery journey I went on was related to what I truly want for my life and what I feel like I should want for my life.
I started exploring my desires and where they truly came from and here are some questions I asked myself - that you can ask yourself too. (These questions are partly derived from the life coach certification course I took).
What are the things I want that I believe will make me happy?
Why do I believe that having, doing or being these things will make me happy?
Are any of these desires influenced by society, friends, family, the way I grew up? If yes which ones?
Is what I really want, what truly lights me up from within different from the above mentioned desires? If yes, which ones and in what way are they different?
For me, the first time I asked myself those questions (and tried to be truly honest with myself) I thought I wanted this:
I want to have a fitter body because I think it will make me happy and more lovable.
I want to get a masters degree in psychology because I believe it will make people respect me and it will secure my future financially.
I want to be in a relationship because it makes me feel secure and builds up my confidence when I am loved.
I want to have a lot of followers and likes on social media because it would make me look more popular.
Those were just some of the things I desired, and they might sound very superficial and silly for the most part, but those are the kind of things we usually desire if we have not spent time discovering who we are and where our desires come from. I realized that my desires came from just looking at what would make other people like me more and what according to societies standard would mean that ‘‘I have my life together.’’
The authentic desires that I also felt strongly in the midst of the confusion - is what caused the conflict within me:
I truly want to live a life where I can share my gifts with the world and show up as my authentic self.
I want to be a writer, speaker and spiritual teacher to help shed some light on the inner battles we all face.
I want to discover who I truly am and fall in love with myself, so that I wouldn’t be dependent on other people’s approval and way of seeing me anymore.
I want to fearlessly pursue my own passions.
I want to be around uplifting people who want to live authentically as well.
I want to spend my days creating uplifting content, dancing, cooking food and sharing meaningful moments with the people I love.
Those were some of the things I truly desired, but was scared to truly go after, because I somehow believed I still needed to choose a path that was more convenient, easier to explain to others and just ‘‘safer’’ in some way.
It came to the point where I was in a lot of pain because I felt caged in my life, relationships and friendships, because I never truly discovered who I am. My energy was low because I didn’t live up to my hearts desire and denied my true desires.
It’s funny how lately my friends and strangers have been telling me ‘‘It’s so cool that you seem to know what you are passionate about and what you really want in life, and decided to follow it. I wish I knew what I really wanted.’’
What I usually reply is this: ‘‘Well, I kind of knew this already 9 years ago, but somehow was too afraid to go after it. So I made a couple of extra stops, but I believe they all added to my knowledge and experience’’ Because it’s true. I knew when I was 18 that I wanted to be a writer and help people with their internal world. I knew I wanted to find a way to detangle the conflicts that are happening within us and show people how to be happier. I thought I needed to study Journalism and Psychology for that, but in Journalism class they taught us how to write dramatic news and in Psychology the focus was too much on black and white thinking, of giving medications to different disorders, and less on helping people reprogram their own minds and being in charge of their own happiness (that’s just my experience).
So, here I am 2019, 27 years old, choosing to believe in my authentic desires. Because what I would truly regret at the end of my life is not doing what I really want to out of the fear of failing or what other people think of me - like Wayne Dyer said ‘‘Don’t die with your music still inside of you’’.
I want to choose a life that feels good on the inside. A life that feels like home to me. I want to be in a relationship with a partner that feels like we are both adding happiness in each others lives, where we both work on ourselves and grow together - where the intention behind everything is love. I do not want to choose a partner based on my insecurities, on what other people think, on what would look good on Instagram. I want to go on trips that feel like my soul wants to go on adventures there - not because I want to take pictures there. I want to be around people that I can have meaningful conversations with, that want to live inspired by love and play. I want to earn my money through bringing out my gift to the world, not through struggle or doing something I don’t feel good about. I want to show up as who I really am no matter where I am at. I want to be open to new ideas, people and projects. I want to meet people that want to add their gifts to this world. I want to be around art and music and people that do things from their soul. I want to drink coffee made by people who love making coffee. I want to eat at restaurants that are owned by people who infuse their love into the people they employ and the food that they make.
What do you truly want? Why do you want it?
ALIGNED THINKING - The online course for reprogramming your mind for inner peace and happiness is out! It’s designed to discover yourself more deeply and to become aware of some unhelpful thinking patterns you might have adopted that are blocking you from creating your own happiness.